My email to ICICI Bank (slightly altered)

Hello,

I’m thinking of consulting a tarot card reader before venturing out to visit the ICICI ATM located right across the street at the HP Petrol Pump in JP Nagar, 5th Phase, Bangalore. Can you suggest a good reader?

My several attempts at withdrawing cash from the ATM over the past few months have seldom been successful. If I were to enumerate my success, it couldn’t possibly be over 20%.

Today’s trial and tribulation deserves a mention not because it’s extraordinary (it isn’t), but because it’s a sampling of the exercise ICICI often compels me to go through…thereby keeping me physically fit but driving me mentally retarded. I went up to the ATM in the morning, little expecting it to work. To my astonishment, it was working! I couldn’t remember the last time the machine seemed so heavenly. To my even greater surprise, it was actually dispensing money!! I went weak at my knees and my eyes moistened.In my daze, I punched some keys and withdrew Rs.200.

The miracle had my head reeling and I was walking back home when I realized I had to withdraw another Rs.1000. So I returned to my beloved ATM, only to realize that my luck had run out. The ATM wasn’t working since there was no power.

Has the global economic meltdown hit ICICI Bank so hard that it had to sell/mortgage its power backup system? If so, I can only hope that the situation 10 years from now will be a lot better since the nuclear deal with the US is sure to make power shortages a thing of the past. Until your ATMs are nuclear powered, however, how about using bio-gas (‘gobar gas’, in common parlance)? Methane holds great promise, and I’m sure having a core team of cow-dung collectors to power your ATMs will win you new customers by the droves.

I tried my luck yet again in the evening. Power supply was restores, but the ATM remained its usual non-responsive self. I was reminded of notorious government officials in Bihar (I hail from the state but ail from few of its ills) who could be set into motion by a small bribe. I wondered if ICICI had done a one-up on its bete noir, HDFC Bank, and introduced a new bribe facility to set the cash dispensing system into motion, a kind of machine-induced nepotism that’ll be the envy of corrupt politicians. Maybe the ATM comes to life when you let it gobble a few bills or charge your credit card. I tried to find the new bribe slot, but failed. If you'd be so kind as to help me on this difficult issue, I’d be indebted for the current financial year. Please let me know of the tariff plans available. Is bribery Net-enabled yet?

Waiting eagerly for your reply before I’m forced to send collection agents to extort my money out of the ATM.

Deepanjan Nag