Skip to main content

My email to ICICI Bank (slightly altered)

Hello,

I’m thinking of consulting a tarot card reader before venturing out to visit the ICICI ATM located right across the street at the HP Petrol Pump in JP Nagar, 5th Phase, Bangalore. Can you suggest a good reader?

My several attempts at withdrawing cash from the ATM over the past few months have seldom been successful. If I were to enumerate my success, it couldn’t possibly be over 20%.

Today’s trial and tribulation deserves a mention not because it’s extraordinary (it isn’t), but because it’s a sampling of the exercise ICICI often compels me to go through…thereby keeping me physically fit but driving me mentally retarded. I went up to the ATM in the morning, little expecting it to work. To my astonishment, it was working! I couldn’t remember the last time the machine seemed so heavenly. To my even greater surprise, it was actually dispensing money!! I went weak at my knees and my eyes moistened.In my daze, I punched some keys and withdrew Rs.200.

The miracle had my head reeling and I was walking back home when I realized I had to withdraw another Rs.1000. So I returned to my beloved ATM, only to realize that my luck had run out. The ATM wasn’t working since there was no power.

Has the global economic meltdown hit ICICI Bank so hard that it had to sell/mortgage its power backup system? If so, I can only hope that the situation 10 years from now will be a lot better since the nuclear deal with the US is sure to make power shortages a thing of the past. Until your ATMs are nuclear powered, however, how about using bio-gas (‘gobar gas’, in common parlance)? Methane holds great promise, and I’m sure having a core team of cow-dung collectors to power your ATMs will win you new customers by the droves.

I tried my luck yet again in the evening. Power supply was restores, but the ATM remained its usual non-responsive self. I was reminded of notorious government officials in Bihar (I hail from the state but ail from few of its ills) who could be set into motion by a small bribe. I wondered if ICICI had done a one-up on its bete noir, HDFC Bank, and introduced a new bribe facility to set the cash dispensing system into motion, a kind of machine-induced nepotism that’ll be the envy of corrupt politicians. Maybe the ATM comes to life when you let it gobble a few bills or charge your credit card. I tried to find the new bribe slot, but failed. If you'd be so kind as to help me on this difficult issue, I’d be indebted for the current financial year. Please let me know of the tariff plans available. Is bribery Net-enabled yet?

Waiting eagerly for your reply before I’m forced to send collection agents to extort my money out of the ATM.

Deepanjan Nag

Comments

Anonymous said…
such subtlety!
saurabh said…
good one... :)
dude, something like this was missing from ur posts for a long time.

Popular posts from this blog

The year that was

I'm wearing a rather striking shirt, one that makes me feel like a clown fooling around in a graveyard. Roving eyes latch on to me and make me too conscious of myself. Checkered in red, grey, black and maroon, I've excused myself into donning it and looking silly for two reasons. It's Friday and…more importantly, the last working day of the year. Tailored half-a-year back, I never had the courage to wear it, not until today. It's that time of the year when it's time to reflect on the events that transpired. Last year ended on the worst possible note. Dad had expired and I was numb with shock. The repercussions rippled halfway thought this year. Things were so abysmal initially that I had lost the will to live. Acrid in everything I did, I was immensely angered by time phlegmatically flowing through its cadence. It was as if Dad meant nothing to anybody. What right did people have to live the way they always had when Dad was no more? Why was much of the world still

Post Christmas

The workday didn't have the sweetest of starts. After being made to wait for almost half-an-hour for breakfast in the cafeteria, I was told only when I enquired that there could be no omelette since the heater wasn't working properly. I lost my temper and aired my annoyance not because the heater was out-of-order but because I was needlessly made to wait for something that was just not about to happen. The onus was on them to intimate me and they failed to own up to their responsibility. I find this attitude very irksome. Anyway, the rest of the day was smooth sailing except for a minor glitch that had to be rectified just when I was about to head for lunch. The bay was mostly deserted since most of my colleagues had volunteered for a training. I'm self-taught...thus my being an exception to the mass exodus! Nilotpal is on a fortnight-long leave and I missed him dearly today.
I'm learning the hard way not to trust anyone. Even the one you revere the most may be scheming your downfall. By no stretch of imagination may this seem logical, but who said imagination is limitless?